Birthday, or Judgement Day?

Birthday is a special day in everyone’s life. It is the happiest and most memorable day in many’s life.

Well, for me, that line was meant only to start the article on a positive note. In reality, this is heading somewhere else.

Ask me, and I would say, every birthday is a judgment day. It answers questions like, do your friends remember your birthday or not, are you worthy enough in their life so that they remember or not, and many such questions.

Apart from that, overthinking on that day kicks the asses of every other day.

It goes like, if you receive a call or a text from a friend at 12, then he or she is a good friend. They remember your birthday, and you mean something in their life.
But if not, you start thinking that someone else might have reminded him/her. Or perhaps, they saw someone’s Instagram story. Or maybe one friend texted everyone privately that it is my birthday and they need to wish.
And, so, this is how I judge my ability to make friends only based on when they wished me.

Way too much toxicity with me, right?
Well, welcome to my brain.

If you think I am mad, I suggest you not ponder on that topic a lot. I have unmet emotional needs, and so I require a little attention from friends. Well, let me spare the details of that trauma for any other day.

So, yeah, that was about the wishes. But, birthday is just not about that, or is it?

The first thing that comes to my mind when it comes to my birthday is that “Son of a bitch, I was born in the month of holidays, that is fucking May.”
So, I never got to celebrate my birthday with friends. And that is partly the reason for my insecurities with birthday wishes. It is easier to remember a birth date when it falls on days when we can celebrate it. But, in a month such as May, it is impossible to celebrate it with friends. And given that I hail from a conservative family, I couldn’t invite friends over for a party too.

Let’s move on to the next important aspect that is ‘gifts.’

I always liked the culture of gift-giving. For me, it was not just a social convention but a way of showing that you care. A gift needn’t be something materialistic. For me, from a long message written straight from the heart to giving a blessing, everything is a gift. The only catch is it should be straight from the heart. And not an obligation.

But, I have people in my life who think otherwise.
For every friend’s birthday, I used to chip in some money to buy them a present. And every time I chip in, my parents asked me, why is it that you spend so much on a friend’s birthday while you never receive anything?

What should I answer them? That maybe I don’t want all that except true friends? Or that I am a pathetic person who spreads her toxicity and so has no true friends? (That is not true, about the no true friends part. I have some good friends, but I live in constant fear of losing them.) Or that I was born in the wrong month? Or is it just everything together?
Honestly, I don’t know the answer. I stopped searching for answers long ago because it gave me pain then and, I don’t want myself to go through such emotions ever again.

Back to the topic again, I never got a present on my birthday ever. Not even from my parents. So, I whine about it.

Now, let us come to me on my birthday.
I have always hoped for only one thing every birthday, that by the time my next birthday comes, I should find love.
Again you must be thinking that I am a desperate piece of shit. Well, I am not. It all just roots from my unattended emotional needs and my past trauma.
But, yeah, love is not so easy to find. And, if you found it easily, something is wrong, and you need to reassess your feelings.
We all want love and keep looking for it desperately. But the fact is love will find you when you stop searching for it. I know for a fact that this is true, but I never can stop the pursuit.

I know I am not normal. No ‘normal’ person will make an article on birthdays this boring by making it all about their trauma and emotional issues, thereby ruining birthdays for them too. But you see, people like me find the internet to be a place to vent out their feelings. So, here I go.
That’s me and my stoned thoughts on birthdays and how much I put myself through on that day.
Feel free to let me know your insecurities which you experience on your birthday.